It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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