; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
