I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
