dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
