Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
