My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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