It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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