The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
