you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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