he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize