he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
