if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
