just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
