he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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