This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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