I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
