did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
