I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
