I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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