Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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