You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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