they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
