Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
