I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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