She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My bed smells like the plague
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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