Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
