So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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