Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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