This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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