i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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