He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
