I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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