my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
