the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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