I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
