what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
