I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
