Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
