we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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