I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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