Don't make out with my wife yet
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
