If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
