she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
