he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm too high and old for this...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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