Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
