I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
