2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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