guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
