I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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