id be glad to
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
