You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
