my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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