My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
