when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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