farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
and you fell through a lawn chair
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
