All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
