I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
