3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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